Lunch with Israel

I have so much to say on this. My heart is stirred and overwhelmed. But today I read one of my favorites and for now she words my heart. Go read it while I cry and collect my thoughts. Amen and amen.

New Years Crashings

We drove 16 hrs straight new years day. I drank three starbucks and ate two bags of famous amos, subway for lunch and rounded off with pretzels for dinner. So much for new years resolutions. I got home and woke up to dishes from Christmas Eve in my sink and nothing in my fridge. We ordered dinner out breaking my new budget on the first day. So much for resolutions indeed. The house is a mess, the toys are everywhere and I have to wear socks to not gross myself out from the crumbs on the floor. My heart wants to come alive but I feel lost where to start really. I return clothes to their piles, I make more piles of Christmas, I reorganize old piles, paper piles and then I feel lost and overwhelmed. I am a visual person so I am lost in my own piles of visual clutter in my own brain. Today I almost painted a room. I dusted the baseboards in a room where I could not see the floor because of suitcases and laundry but gosh darn it I am going to accomplish something so the baseboards it was. I conquered. Then I cried because by four my kitchen was finally clean and it was time to make dinner. Finally I settled on this quote because it spoke to me all day. "The discovery of God lies in the ordinary not in the spectacular and the heroic. If we cannot find God in the routines of home and shop then we will not find him at all." Richard Foster.

Getting out of the Ring

So this book I am reading... It tells me that the number one tool in getting my child to "get out of the boxing ring" is to feel their guilt. When I engage them in a battle of words I take away from their feeling guilt by distracting them into a fight where they feel justified by their actions because they are rationalizing their sin and putting it on whoever they are arguing with. Wow. When my child disobeys & then tries to argue their way out of a situation, and then I jump in (either to explain myself or their wrong action etc.) it derails the heart issue. The argument takes the place of the actual issue at hand and sin/repentance is then delayed or forgotten. However when I refuse to get into a debate about such and such rather stand my ground in authority with simple resolution without "entering into the ring" my child is left to either acknowledge their sin, repent, or simply face their own sin and consequence. I find that the more I do this the more I am able to give my kids choices in their own relationship with God rather than micromanage their every decision and action. I also am finding that I do the exact same thing! Ugggg. Don't we all? Try & distract ourselves with manipulation and arguments that distract from the root issue of our sin instead of facing it head on and truly dealing with it? Goodness! I hate this for my child & I hate this for myself. John 5:6&7 "When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him "Do you want to get well?" "Sir, the invalid replied 'I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." We know this story ends well. The man gets healed by Jesus himself. It is the process that makes me cringe. And it reminds me of my children, and worse it reminds me of myself. Jesus himself, the Son of God, asking the man 'do you want to get well'? And just with that simple question the man invites Jesus into the ring. Well I can't & you see I am cripled, and everyone else gets there first, or that person got help but I didn't and the list goes on and on. But Jesus in His mercy heals him, deals with the root issue of the man's heart. He does not got through the list. He goes straight to what matters. I want so badly to see through the excuses with my children. With myself really. 'You see Jesus I couldn't get to reading your Word today because my kids threw up and I had to do laundry and I didn't have a shower and I couldn't tithe because I didn't have enough to pay rent and tithe and get my starbucks and the list goes on. When really I just need to recognize that Jesus the Son of God himself is with me and speaks to me and wants to engage my heart.

send help & brownies

This week we have all been affected by sickness. This month actually. Kurto had shingles. And no he is not eighty. I had an ear infection. And no I am not four. Israel has bronchitis. Aubrey had the flu with a fever for over a week. Whisky got "fixed" which brought an entirely different conversation with my theological child who is eight and doesn't ever take a simple answer. If you look in my fridge you will see medicine for my son, my daughter, my self & my cat. I am trying to be healthy but lets face it I ate ice cream for dinner last night all in the name of a sore throat. I did juice this week but my apples had been in the fridge next to onions and that was not my fav. Awesome. I watched you tube videos of kittens for over an hour today. I have labeled with my label maker all of my movies. I am happy about the results but in my heart I was thinking "am I one of those ladies who has those really annoying 'before disaster' pictures of things that aren't really a disaster and then organizes it and thinks it is 'total transformation' all the while abandoning any thoughts of real problems in the world beyond a drawer full of abundance that doesn't really need re-labeling for cuteness purpose only? These are the things I am thinking. I have read too many blogs this week. Some made my heart happy. Some made my heart jealous. Some made my heart go straight to the Word of God and for that I am so thankful. I took the kids for a drive along the coast today. Got some fresh air. Thought about texting my friends in the snow. Then thought I should just enjoy it. I am thankful sickness held off for Valentines day & flower weekend. Sabbath always comes wether we take it willingly or it takes us. It is the heart of God and for His wisdom I am thankful. I forgot to mention someone had their birthday party this month. Sweet and simple tea with a few lady friends. Isn't that what we all need?

Sugar High, Heart low.

2013 has started with a bang. Three trips to urgent care and January isn't even over yet. Kurto has shingles. I have an ear infection. My daughter has a birthday. Israel has an ungrateful heart. Sibling birthdays can do that to you. I realize this. Taking Israel to Toys R Us and loading the cart with pink glitter things was really difficult if I am honest. I did try and redeem the situation by taking him to Krispy Cream. The kid had never been. So we watched donuts being made, glazed & eaten. This did not help the situation as I had thought. I ended up with an ungrateful hearted kid that was on a sugar high. Not my best parenting moment for sure. This parenting stuff is not for the faint of heart. One is struggling in obvious ways. The other is being "good" and being praised but I am quite aware of the dangers that come with that too. Our hearts are too quick to believe we are good and have it all together. I am on the fence about who is harder to parent. The child that is bold in their sin, quick to repent or the child that has sin masked by cuteness and the "right answer". The more I parent the more aware I am of my own sin. I want to throw a fit in the store. I want to tell my whiny child that it isn't fair. That I had to spend my birthday money on groceries how do you like that for fair? My own heart is highlighted and the more my child acts out the more I want to raise my fist in the air. It is so intense sometimes. Confronting your own sin while trying to confront your child, guide them, raise them, lead them to repentance. Like I said, this refinement stuff is hard. I am learning the emotional side of parenting. It was much easier to be up in the night loosing sleep from changing diapers, sheets, feeding babies. These days I am up in the night in intercession, going over the day in my head, trying to figure out the character of myself, my children. But I have the promise that "perserverience produces character..." I have ordered a book called Good & Angry. Exchanging frustration for character in you and your child I am hoping for some breakthrough. Trying to have discernment on choices, rewards, lack of attention, too much attention. Trying to remember at the end of the day LOVE wins above any parenting book, activity, routine, or discipline. LOVE never fails. And on that note I leave with an activity that I love & apparently so does my little. Cupcakes.

new normal

This is the usual around here. It makes me happy. My mother told me that once I started blogging again my stories that only happen to me would start to increase. She was right. In the last few days we have had swollen shut eyes, new glasses & a trip to urgent care. I decided on a whim to get my car washed in the first time in TWO years & I kid you not half hour after I pull into my garage my ceiling in the garage starts flooding and spewing out overflow from toilets upstairs all on top of my clean car! It always happens that way. I am embracing it. Just like the cat on the sink. Unsanitary and cute all at the same time.

Mother Daughter

As I am discovering the wonder of photobooth so also is my little girl. She copies me. It is both wonderful and terrifying. I am more & more aware of the "why" behind the reason I do the smallest little things. Like today I was feeling a bit overwhelmed so I bought myself some lipstick. Hot pink. My grandma Dee would always wear hot pink lipstick. And this afternoon I put on her ring and I put on my lipstick. Then I took it one step further and opened a can of soda just to see my hot pink lipstick on the can. It made me feel happy and sad & silly for being so sappy over hot pink lipstick on a can of soda. But I am letting myself get lost in it for a bit because it reminds me of someone I love. And then Aubrey wanted the lipstick and it made my heart hurt a little. I told her that she would have a daughter one day in an emotional rant that is totally over her head just like I tell her that orange tang and juicy fruit is the smell of my childhood. She nods and pretends to understand and then comforts me by telling me that she is going to marry her brother. Such is my day.